May 15 2013
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Christianity, Distractions, God, Jesus Christ, Restless, Uncategorized, Victory

Clarity at 14,000 feet


I’m currently looking out the window of my plane at the farms of Ontario, Canada.

Yes, despite traveling somewhere almost once a month, I’m still that excited little kid with my face plastered to the window of the plane. Truthfully, I can’t help it.

Besides exploring a new city in my own, watching the landscape move slowly across my vision is my favorite part of travel.

Today, God used it to speak to my tired heart.

The weather in Ottawa today suited my mood rather well. Rainy, gray, a tad chilly. The word that came to mind was ‘troubled.’ Sitting on the runway, I reflected on why my current state paralleled the cold Ottawa day.

“It’s just been a rough few months,” I have said, over and over, to friends I haven’t texted back, family that hasn’t seen me, my workout accountability partner. What an easy way to end the conversation and not have to elaborate.

Anyway, as I was mulling over my “rough few months,” I felt the plane begin to pick up speed. I always smile when the sudden burst of force pushes me back against my seat, but not today. Today, I just wanted to get into the air and off the runway and away from the rain.

As the plane began to cut through the low layer of thick gray clouds, I got a little sad. My sight was completely obscured, not a good feeling for someone staring out the window needing to see the ground. I glanced around and saw that I was the only one intently focusing on the world outside the plane.

However, it was getting brighter.

Finally, the plane hit the beautiful area above the clouds, where the sunshine is as bright and constant as ever, and the sky above is as “Oklahoma” blue. I looked down into the clouds, and squinted to see Toronto. Within moments, the pilot had flown us past the clouds and my view of the Canadian countryside was restored.

I let out a deep sigh. Momentary peace.

You have to get above the clouds. You have to find the light.

Boom. Clarity in a flash.

Thank you Lord.

At 14,000 feet, I realized that as I have struggled through the last few months, I have stayed on the ground, in the midst of all my problems.

And I haven’t moved.

I’ve kept my focus on what I was facing and all that was out of my control, and as a result, felt like the roof was caving in on me. Anytime I tried to climb out, I would get in the clouds of doubt, insecurity and control. And just as I did on the plane, I look frantically for the ground, where im miserable and burdened but secure.

How often do we do this? I know I do. We try to dig out, to reach up, to move ahead, and instead of trusting and walking out our faith, we listen to the voice of fear. We need security. We need to stay where we are. Growth hurts. Healing hurts. Faith hurts. They can pull on us, creating resistance.

My past few months of “roughness” have been full of resistance, breaking me down like a Wright-brothers-era biplane.

As my plane tore through the clouds, I could hear God reminding me how to get through the clouds. If I’m going to get through the turbulence in my life, I’m going to have to keep my eyes up focused on the light, and I’m going to have to climb with determination through any resistance I face.

For me, this means shaking off a lot of things that hinder me from breaking out of this storm I’m in. Relationships, attitudes, unforgiveness, pride. Anything that makes the ground more enticing. To get past the clouds and turbulence, I have to climb. To climb, you have to be light enough to get in the air. With the weight on my shoulders right now, I’m not getting too far.

But most importantly, my eyes have to stay up, focused on the light that I know s on the other side. Part of my re net turbulence was made worse by self-imposed distance from God. It’s been awful, yet I was the one who put it there.

While I would love to say that all is resolved in my heart as I land to meet my connecting flight, that is not the case. Things are clearer at 14,000 feet but seeing is only the first step.

There will definitely be more to say as I try to get above this storm with God’s amazing help and grace, but in the meantime, I’m off to catch my next plane.

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Jan 24 2013
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If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you


“If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.” – Fred DeVito

Those were the words going through my head tonight as I panted, groaned, and grunted through a killer, amazing workout at my boot camp. Coach Riley really laid it on hard tonight: 100+ push-ups, 200+ Russian twists, and more. The kicker? 120 burpees.

After a long hard week, the last thing I wanted to hear out of his mouth was “burpee.” I’m a pretty tough cookie, and I’ve held my own decently for the last several weeks. When burpees come into play, I question if the mass in my arms is muscle or marshmallow. They are my kryptonite.

But tonight, I was looking at them differently. They were not torture tools in cardio purgatory. They were a challenge that would ultimately bring change. Change to my body, to my health, and to my confidence.

While I still struggled a bit near the end, I persisted and will definitely see (and feel) the changes that result from pushing your body’s limits like that.

You know God’s trying to get through to you when he uses burpees.

I don’t normally run from challenges, but I can avoid them when they aren’t standing right in front of me. I’ve noticed that some of the most important challenges in my life were not the ones I had to face to move – that were blocking me from forward motion – but the ones that opened a new door and had to be tackled by choice.

Which brings me to this blog.

I am a born writer. It has come naturally to me since I wrote my very first short story (about my spin on Roman history, no less) at the age of 6. So when God put it on my heart to start sharing my soul and my walk with Him via this blog, it came naturally. Writing this blog was like therapy for me, and one of the first things I did to deal with stress, confusion, and doubt. I would work through my own struggles while God used my words to help others through theirs. It was a pretty sweet deal.

Almost two years ago, I was assigned to write a very controversial opinion article for the OSU newspaper. As a graduate student, I failed in handling the topic well. As a writer, I was so proud that I was going against the mainstream and stating a very Biblically-based, wildly unpopular opinion. One week later, I made the decision to withdraw from grad school after a stream of death threats came in, people followed me to my vehicle, and fellow colleagues warned that the English department would not make the following two years anything but difficult on me as a result.

I ran. I quit and I ran. And since then, I haven’t written anything more than a few brief notes. I have more than 15 drafts of blog posts I felt God put on my heart, but I would let anything and everything distract me from writing.

Somewhere around burpee 78, I realized that I had let my failure in grad school cement a writer’s block over my heart. I write for a magazine for a living, yes, but I have not journaled or blogged in what feels like forever.

I imagine God will reveal little things about this over the next few days, but I can see that I ran from the change that occurred as a result of my writing at school. It changed the way people thought of me and treated me. It changed the level of respect I received from my colleagues and future students. It changed the way I looked at myself as a writer.

I hate change.

This blog is my challenge right now. Not because it’s difficult for me to write, or to articulate what I’m walking through (or being carried through) in my walk with God, but because as I write, I am changed. As I lay it all out for the world to see, God takes that little seed of transparency and cultivates growth inside of me. My willingness to face the challenge he’s given me opens the door for him to move me upward and onward in Him. To another challenge, and to more change and growth. It’s the way it works.

So, while I certainly will be thinking about this a lot over the next few days (thank you Coach Riley, my muscles won’t let me forget!), I needed to write this as a first step, as a sign of acceptance to God, or in boot camp terms: “I got this!”

Because while writing this blog consistently won’t give me definition in my abs and arms, what is about to begin to grow inside of me is well worth facing the challenge.

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

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Sep 11 2012
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For their honor


I still remember where I was.

Sitting in the gym at my high school, waiting to go to my first hour. A friend ran in, yelling “a plane hit a building!”

First hour was spent listening to the radio. The tension in the room was so thick it made it hard to breathe. We were all in shock, to say the least.

Before that day, I had never heard of the World Trade Center. I was an idealistic girl from a small town in Oklahoma that genuinely thought all people were good, and loving. I lasted until about 7pm that night, when I was watching the news and reliving the attack, before the tears came, and the grief, and the anger.

Eleven years later, the grief is all that’s left of those initial feelings I felt on September 11, 2001. I can remember everything about that day – the sights, the sounds, how I felt, what I said, and what I didn’t say. I know I’m not alone in this.

My grandmother said that 9/11 is the “JFK” and “Pearl Harbor” of our generation. My mom remembers the day President John F. Kennedy was assassinated with similar, startling clarity. And my grandfather can relate all of his thoughts and emotions he experienced hearing reports of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor that pulled the US into World War II.

Those three events all inspired a massive surge of pride in our country. In those moments, we were completely united – there was no partisan divide, no disagreement on fiscal policy or illegal immigration. In those moments, we were simply Americans, grieving the loss of our own.  Image

I do not intend to wax poetic here. That’s not what this day needs.

I believe it needs a moment. A moment when all the politics of our current day can be set aside. All the arguments, hatred, discrimination, and intolerance be put on the back burner. We’re all guilty of it, and I’m not going to speak to any particular group. I’m speaking to Americans. Americans who were united on this day, 11 years ago, and every year since.

Today, let’s just be Americans. And honor those Americans who lost their lives that day.

Those firefighters who rushed into the towers, knowing they may not come out.

Those officers who covered their own panic and focused on ensuring the safety of others.

Those brave men and women on flight 93 that stood up against terror and sacrificed themselves for others.

Those men and women in the towers who called their loved ones one last time.

Those mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters, grandparents, and other loved ones who lost someone that day and continue on in their honor

The list continues.

Today is their day. Never forget.

God bless them and our country, today and always.

-Bethany

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Jun 09 2012
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Things my daddy taught me


As Father’s Day rapidly approaches, moms and kids everywhere are shopping for golf clubs, grill sets, guns, fishing rods, big screens, computers, and more to show their appreciation for their dads.

My dad isn’t here with me in the flesh to celebrate, but I think of him often as the Father’s Day hubbub starts each June. He passed away 15 years ago this last April, a fact which shocks me whenever I think of it. 15 years. Time flies. It really does.

He came to mind in an interesting way tonight. A great friend asked me to housesit for her this weekend while she went out of town. A number of her friends could have watched the house, but they asked me for a unique reason.

I can water plants.

Tonight, as I was watering the rose bushes, I could hear my daddy’s voice in my head. “Slow and steady.“

You see, my dad was a professional landscaper. He could make any front yard beautiful. As owner of Genesis 1:11 Landscaping, my dad was the boss and my siblings and I were some of his best employees. I specifically remember my little green t-shirt with the logo on the front and “Daddy’s Little Helper” on the back. It should have said “mulch carrier,” as I drug around more bags of mulch than you can imagine. I was the 5 year old expert at spreading mulch.

Years of watching my dad beautify lawns and flower beds paid off. I am also an expert plant waterer. I know you never water in the morning or during the heat of the day. I know how often you water. My daddy taught me.

But the lessons learned went much deeper than just my landscaping skills.

The fact that a family friend would pick me because I can water plants speaks of my father’s reputation more than my own. To this day, I can run into an acquaintance at the grocery store that my dad worked for. They will stop me and gush over how beautiful my dad made their lawn. At how professional and skilled he was. And how much fun he was to talk to. Today I realized that though my dad left his family behind, he also left a legacy. A legacy of creativity and beauty.

It made me wonder: what legacy am I leaving behind?

If I died tonight, what would my friends talk about when they thought of me 15 years later? Those that have known me the longest would say my eternal baby-fever or my writing. Friends from high school would talk about me being the drama team queen, literally, and being a science nerd, destined to be the next great doctor. My college friends would think of my cooking or my history rants. But my hope is that all those who knew me, from birth through today, would speak of my love for Christ and compassion for others first above all other things.

Does my love speak louder than my cooking skills? Does my compassion take the front row seat? What is my legacy?

(I’ll be thinking about that for awhile. More than likely, it will be a blog post to come in the not so distant future.)

Growing up with a landscaper for a father, our yards always looked immaculate. English garden was no exaggeration. My mom had the same skill and passion for beauty, so the meticulous landscaping continued after my dad died. Tonight as I watered, I realized that true beauty takes work, and patience.

Beauty is a natural trait, yes, but there is also a process that cultivates it. A rose bush is an excellent example. For a rose bush to grow and flourish, it takes work. The ground has to be tilled and fertilized. The bush has to be planted well and watered religiously. At different points, branches have to be trimmed back to make room for new growth. It has to be fed with nutrients specifically designed to spur its growth. Only when all these factors come together over time does the bush truly bloom and show its beauty.

My dad took this patient approach with his plants. He took the time to cultivate beauty out of dirt, knowing the end result was worth the effort.

We are just the same.

To be as beautiful as the roses I’ve grown up watering, I have to cultivate beauty in my soul and spirit. I have to develop a strong root system so I can withstand the trials that come my way. I have to feed my spirit with the Word of God so that it can grow and be strengthened. I have to water my soul with the relationships and activities that refresh it, while avoiding the ones that dry it out. I have to trim back habits, dead relationships, and strongholds to make room for new growth in Christ. As I do these things over time, I will become more beautiful, reflecting the beauty of my Creator.

By the time I’d made it around the yard, I was smiling. I had to pause and say a quick thank you to God for the things my daddy taught me. 

Jun 06 2012
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Christianity, Contentment, Conviction, Distractions, God, Jesus Christ, Job Search, Purpose, Restless, Uncategorized, Wisdom

When God Plays Whack-A-Mole


I wasn’t planning to write anything tonight.

I tend to think and mull over a topic for a few days to make sure I have something worth reading. But tonight, I had a sort of breakthrough at church. This blog is for others to read, I suppose, but it is also my space to process and share what God is doing in and through my life.

About an hour before church started, I called my wonderful mother and posed a unique question. Our conversation went something like this:

“You know when you have a bad attitude…”

“Uh huh”

“…and you need the magic bullet to get rid of it….”

“Yep”

“…and it could be a podcast, or a particular scripture….or maybe sleep….”

“……”

“…or maybe you need to talk to someone…”

“Bethany just go to church.”

So I went.

Sometimes you just know that God set up your evening for you. It’s as if he is the director of the play of your life, setting the stage, the lights, the music – everything – so as to best serve its purpose for that day or that season. Anyway, that’s what happened tonight. I went to church, ended up sitting with an old friend, and began commiserating over our mutual career frustrations. She was in the same boat I was in two years ago, and am in again today. I shrugged it off when worship began and was genuinely anxious to hear from God.

I was hoping for comfort. Maybe some encouragement. What I got instead was the equivalent of a long game of Whack-a-Mole….and I was the mole. I wanted to be coddled, but I needed a healthy dose of conviction and correction. God’s pretty awesome like that.

Somehow, a large percentage of the issues, trials, and frustrations I’ve dealt with over the last two years is rooted in the same problem: restlessness. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve hit a wall and called my mom, my sister, or my mentor whining about how restless I was – that I just had to MOVE. I’ve felt that recently as my job situation has weakened, priorities have shifted, desire for change set in, etc. The more things changed, the more restless I became.

Pastor Greg Scott pointed out tonight that restlessness often comes into play when we are in transition. I snickered when he asked if anyone was in a transition, because I’ve felt as if the last two years have been one long, frustrating transition. As soon as I got comfortable or settled into something, it would change. He mentioned that transitions are forced upon us, initiated by us, or initiated by God. When God causes a transition, you sense a change is coming but you don’t know when or where to move.

That all made sense. No biggie. Then he pointed out that we lovely Americans love to speed everything up, and moving too fast or in the wrong timing causes chaos and heartache.

Whack.

“Why do we speed up?” Because we become restless. I can attest to this in my own life. Whenever I begin to feel antsy and get the urge to move, I leap into action, speeding up anything I can to get where I think I should be going. Pastor Greg responded to my mental monologue with a phenomenal point:

  • Never mistake restlessness as a reason to move. It’s a cue to slow down!

Slow down. Whack. Whack.

Restlessness can be a cue that something is wrong somewhere in my life. But instead of slowing down and waiting on God to move me, I’ve always jumped ahead. This in itself goes against what God’s already said. By speeding up, it’s as if I’m telling God that I want someone else to drive because he’s taking too long. Before I know it, I’m moving out of his will, at the wrong time, to a place unknown that he didn’t move me to. And it’s my own fault. 100%.

Whack whack….you get the picture.

The analyst in me was growing uncomfortable. Well okay, restlessness is a problem. But why am I restless? I always try to do my best and follow God’s leadings. Asked and answered only moments later.

Restlessness can set in when we are offended. I know from experience that nothing causes more pain and heartache than holding offense in your heart. It really is like a cancer that eats at the bones. I knew that, so this made no sense. And then..

Bam. Whack. Game over.

Ecclesiastes 10:4 - If the spirit of the ruler rise up against you, leave not your place; for yielding pacifies great offenses.

Yielding. Leave not your place.

Ouch.

Sitting in church, it hit me. The last two years have been a collection of restlessness’ greatest hits. A light turned on. To some degree or another, I had allowed myself to be offended by people, situations, and circumstances and had repeatedly left my “place” as a result. Things would grow uncomfortable in a group of friends for whatever reason, so I would pull back, even if God had placed me there on purpose. It’s uncomfortable. Suzie doesn’t like me. God’s grace has probably left. It didn’t seem that simple then, but tonight it was clear as crystal. I was offended by those that didn’t receive me well at grad school. I had done something good and received a strong negative reaction….and I left. Despite having a reputation for never quitting, I had left my place over and over and over again. Granted, I do feel that I heard from God in certain situations, but even if I had, I let restlessness and offense move me in my timing, not God in his timing. Each time it happened, each offense I held on to, the harder it was for Jesus to move and work in my life. I begged him to help me, while blocking him out with the offenses I was holding on to.

As Pastor Greg put it, if you don’t pass 3rd grade with God, you have to take it again….and again….and again. I should count myself blessed that God revealed this to me now and not five years from now.

Since I started high school and moved up to the adult service, I have always joked that God plays Whack-a-Mole with us. It’s a not-so-subtle whack in the right direction through conviction during a great service. Even though my head is figuratively a bit sore,  I am so so so incredibly grateful for the conviction of the Holy Spirit and for God’s correction. God only corrects those he loves. Point for me. God corrects his children. Two points. And He corrects those He expects more out of. Three points. Correction is a win-win to me. Uncomfortable? Yes. But to think that working through this will move me one step closer to knowing Him better, it’s completely and undeniably worth the discomfort.

What now?

Now I slow down. And I wait on the Lord. I soak up His Word and wait until he moves me. Oh yeah…and there’s a lot to let go of. Another day in the life of a Christ follower, and a little closer to the goal.

I would highly recommend listening to the podcast, as I don’t begin to do it justice. It’s available through Itunes from Church on the Move, entitled “Navigating through Transition pt. 2.”

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May 22 2012
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Christian Ministry, Christianity, Craig Groeschel, Distractions, God, Jesus Christ, Lifechurch.tv, Opportunity, Purpose, Wisdom

Squirrel!


Psalm 24:3-4

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false.

Got you with the title didn’t I?

For clarity’s sake: 

Not only does this video make me laugh every single time I watch it, I realized tonight that it is an amazing representation of the way we all are, ADD or not, when it comes to distractions.

My wonderful man took me to an art fair in downtown Tulsa this past weekend and we browsed over several blocks of the area’s best. One thing I found amusing was the course of our conversation. “blah blah blah, oh pretty!!! Blah blah blah.” It brought all new meaning to the phrase “look at the pretty colors.” There were so many visually stimulating pieces to look at, my eyes were jumping all over the place. More than once, my bf had to remind me what we were talking about.

Last night, I was speaking with a friend about our ability to be easily distracted when it comes to matters of the heart as well.  I mentioned last week that I had let my busyness take over my life and my time spent with God. It’s a classic problem; we’ve all been there. And looking back to myself three months ago, I can myself saying “God blessed me with these opportunities, I’m going to work as hard as I can on them!”

Faulty logic? No.

But since hindsight is 20/20 and all, I’m seeing things differently today. How many of us jump into great opportunities just knowing that God put them in our lives and opened the doors. We pour all of our time and energy and resources into the project, determined to milk every benefit, all enjoyment, and every resource possible out of it. Little by little, we notice relationships falter, finances are stretched, health is a little rocky, God’s been pretty quiet, and the dog doesn’t come running when we get home anymore. You may have experienced one, some, all, or none of these. I noticed all of them. Crazy enough, the one that punched me in the gut was when my precious Katie-bug, the most affectionate, awesome golden/lab retriever in the world didn’t come running happily whenever I came home. She was getting used to mommy being gone. It broke my heart and caused me to reevaluate.

I had the best intentions. God blessed me with open doors – I had to walk through them of course. I didn’t know when an opportunity like this would come along again, I had to jump on it. 

That’s how my brain defended itself. Logical, right?

The question I’ve been mulling over is this: how do you know when something perceived to be a great opportunity is actually just a distraction? 

I’ve always prayed for God to open the doors I need to go through and close the ones I don’t, but I know full well that he gives me the option at times. Sometimes, I seek him and he tells me to avoid the open door. Other times, I get the green light.

Other times, nada.

This is what I got when I prayed about a big project recently. It seemed to good to be true. Once in a lifetime kind of stuff. I was on cloud nine walking it out. Everyone around me was excited and supported me 100%. On the surface, there was no sign that this was anything less than an amazing opportunity, a tremendous blessing, a big, obvious “I love you and care about your secret wishes” from God.

But it was what distracted me the most from what God had already given me. Yes, it was great. Yes, it would be a huge blessing to me on so many levels. But the time and resources it required pulled on me. My goals to get out of debt were put on hold. The time I spent with friends was drastically cut down. I went from sleeping 7 hours a night to maybe 4 on a good night. I spent less time playing with my wonderful puppy and didn’t take her to the dog park. I didn’t have the time to exercise, so my health was affected. Worst of all, I let the opportunity that God had blessed me with replace the time I had been spending with God. I made it my idol.

I heard a powerful message  on this recently that confirmed what I was already seeing. Pastor Craig Groeschel challenged me to evaluate my life for any idols by asking myself three questions:

  1. What do I spend my money on?
  2. What do I spend my time doing?
  3. What do I talk about?

If I had asked myself this question six months ago, I would have had a balanced answer for #1, and #2 and #3 would have pointed straight back to God. As I said last week, I was head over heels in love, chasing with all my strength, pursing God. My conversations always wound around back to God somehow, because he was at the root of my life and whatever was going on was an extension off that foundation. I was working, and spending time with friends. But the highlight of each day was the time I stole to spend with God. Be it in the car, for five minutes here and there at work, my devotional time at night, or in uplifting conversations with friends. God was first in my life.

When the balance shifted and this project became my life, things started to go wrong. No wonder, God wasn’t in the number one place anymore and the Word makes it clear that he is a jealous God.

Now I can be stubborn on occasion, and I’ve noticed something unique about God as a result. If I’m not getting the hint to let something go, he takes it away. He closes the door. He does whatever he has to do to get it across to me that HE MUST BE FIRST. Exodus 20:4 says very clear that we cannot make an idol of anything. That even means the projects we think God put in our hands.

But how do we know the difference? I think the clearest answer would be the effect of the opportunity. Does it draw you closer to God or pull you away? Can you maintain your God-assigned priorities and still participate? If not, walk away.

In our culture of busyness, we all take on so much. Hobbies, volunteering, active social lives, etc. These things are great, and I think God meant for us to enjoy all there is to enjoy in life. But as the Word says in Mark 8:36,”What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?” If we are so easily distracted by the squirrels and shiny objects of life that we elevate things above Christ in our lives, that’s exactly what we are doing.

As for me? I’m cutting out some major distractions and tearing down some idols right now. Refocusing on things God already directed me to do, before I was drawn away by all the shiny objects around me. I strongly believe that God will give me that opportunity at some point, when the timing is right and when it adds to my life instead of draws me away from my Source.

What about you guys? How can we tell the difference between distractions and opportunities? What distractions are getting in the way of honoring God to the fullest? 

Check out this message at Lifechurch.tv too: 

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May 14 2012
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Chazown, Christian Ministry, Christianity, Contentment, Jesus Christ, Purpose, Uncategorized, Victory

In Retrospect


Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

I must confess, I have avoided this blog. While I would like to claim it’s been all busyness for the last five months, the opposite is closer to the truth. The past six months were punctuated by major events. The kind that change your perspective, your direction, your life. Ne w friends. Unemployment. Over-employment. Family crises. Potential new beginnings. Not all negative, not all positive. But enough to pull me back a step or two.

The details aren’t important. My reaction to the events isn’t as important. The lesson learned is huge. The steps in front of me are even bigger. But my God is biggest of all.

God answered my prayers in such a huge way, it took me by surprise. He brought a wonderful love back into my life when I least expected it. And threw four jobs into my life at the same time. All of which I loved and could throw my heart and time into. And oh boy did I. 70 hour work weeks, 4 hours of sleep at night, and a lot of passion went into the projects God had given me. And then they started to taper off. My favorite job ended until fall. One job slowed down temporarily. And one opportunity turned out to not be the best option at this point in time.  70 hours went to 20, and my time spent considering life and my goals drastically increased.

I will say the last month has been marked with a restlessness I haven’t felt before. While my faith hasn’t faltered, my sense of direction has. In the same breath, I thanked God for all he had blessed me with, and pointed out the things I thought should be in my life already. While I love my crazy combination of jobs, the future parent in me demands something stable so my future unborn children won’t suffer. My thinly veiled contentment was more like a resolution to not complain. It was less a lack of trust in God’s promises as it was a realization of how aimless I felt.

I have never doubted God has a beautiful plan for me. But I have definitely felt like I’m walking in the opposite direction, blindfolded. That’s the downfall to believing what you see and not focusing on what you know is true. But that’s another blog post….

All this retrospection tripled in the last few weeks. Failures, closed doors, and tragedies have a way of stopping you in your tracks. Enough has happened recently to me and around me to stop me. Time to pause, reevaluate, reorient myself so to speak. I took a long hard look at myself and my life, and was saddened by what I saw.

My life is beautiful, don’t get me wrong. But the discontent I felt, even in the midst of a crazy season of blessing and busyness had turned into a desperate pursuit of God’s will, instead of HIM. I’ve been chasing hard after stability in my finances without maintaining stability in my relationship with Christ. I’ve been neglecting this blog – the ministry God gave me – to focus on other projects that I felt were the right thing to do at the time.

Confession: I’ve been called to ministry. First time? 7 years ago. Clearest call? March of last year.

Confession: God gave me a clear step. To tell my story. But I still haven’t.

Does that mean I am supposed to be in full time ministry right now? Not in the traditional sense, no. But the idea of being in any sort of ministry has been so far from my mind. I’ve been too busy making a living and milking the opportunities God gave me to the very last drop. I’ve been too busy planning my future, paying off debts, and building friendships. I’ve been too busy.

And now I’m feeling it. I miss the passion I felt when all I was doing was chasing Christ: not His will or His hand, but HIM. Seeking all He is with all I am. When I took my eyes off of Him, the restlessness set in. The wondering about the future began and obsession with getting the plan just right took hold. Not fear, per se, just focus.

And sadly, it changed me. Strength turned to weakness. Joy turned to anxiety. Grace turned to criticism. Contentment to frustration. Confidence to insecurity. Frankly, I became a mess.

I’ve had a few reality checks recently and more than a few wake-up calls, gentle and not-so-gentle nudges from God. Now I’m reordering my life, realigning my priorities. Getting things back in line. Shaking off distractions, tearing down idols, breaking strongholds, and running my race.

  • Loving God first and foremost - learning about Him, walking with Him, and truly living out my faith in word and deed.
  • Loving Others – walking in love towards all those in my life, holding myself and others accountable, and doing my best to encourage and exhort my friends as they do me.
  • My Chazown – God has laid a specific instruction in front of me that I have yet to fulfill. The process will bring me closer to Him than ever before and force me to face things that I have always avoided. It’s time to walk in obedience no matter how painful, because the reward of walking that closely with God is worth it.
  • Loving life – Life is so short, it is criminal to waste it. An acquaintance passed away recently, and the legacy he left behind is far-reaching and truly inspiring. He did not leave behind a rich legacy by letting life pass him by. Instead, he ministered and loved people at every turn, and took the time to invest himself into others and into ministry. It’s time for me to do the same.

As always, this post is as much an encouragement and challenge to myself as it is a public post, but God has impressed firmly on my heart the value of this blog. It’s a part of the puzzle of my life, an integral piece of me becoming who I am supposed to be. So I will continue to write what I see, what I feel, and what God reveals as I walk along this path with him. As I make these changes in my own life, I pray that God will use my struggles and victories to help or encourage even one of you. It’s going to be an exciting ride :) .

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Dec 18 2011
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Christianity, Contentment, God, Jesus Christ, Job Search, Purpose, Survival, Uncategorized, Victory

In Every Season


Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. 
Lamentations 3:21-25

I love Christmas.

The lights, the music, the food, peppermint everything, the activities, time with family and friends, the gift-giving, the wintry smell of the air. But most of all, celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Simply put, it’s a beautiful season.

This year, I’m celebrating Christmas in the midst (hopefully at the end) of another season.

Over the past few years, I’ve more clearly seen myself move through different seasons of life. Some good, some a little on the rough side. College felt like a season unto itself, filled with similar experiences and growth in some key areas. After I graduated, the six month job search that followed was a different kind of season – a little rougher but a blessing all the same. My faith grew in leaps and bounds and I learned to wait on the Lord as I never had before.

The year following was chock full of amazing experiences, heartbreaks, joys, pains, and in a word – life. I definitely hit some major lows, but God transformed every bit of what Satan meant to bring me down for my good and He lifted me to a new level of intimacy with him. I lost sight of some dreams, but gained new vision of God’s amazing plan for me. For the first time, I was blessed with both a strong inner circle of close friends (my wonderful, married, and now spread out girls!) and a core group of friends to live life with on a daily basis close to me. In terms of relationships, my life has never been as rich and full of amazing people. Confidence was gained. A blog was started. Challenges were faced – some conquered, some tucked away as lessons to remember. But most importantly was the journey I went on with Christ. Talk about a year of growth! I can honestly say I have never grown as much as I did in that 12 month period. Fears cast aside, old pains healed, habitual sins redeemed. Although it was a challenging season, it was one of redemption and restoration in so many ways. A season which felt more like five years instead of one. It was simply awesome.

Oddly enough, I can cite the exact date that season passed into the one I am currently walking (and sometimes, crawling) through. October 6. The day after my last blog post actually, the one where I mentioned that I felt a great anticipation in my spirit, a feeling of great expectation.

I should have seen it coming. Considering the amazing growth of the previous year, it’s only fitting to be launched into an opportunity to show what I’ve learned and to walk out my freshly grown faith. Persisting unemployment, a family crises, financial struggles, reemerging fears, confusion, difficult sacrifices, and as embarrassed as I am to admit it, a wave of depression. All mixed together with an equal amount of amazing. A broken relationship mended. Seeds of faith growing in huge ways in my family. Anonymous blessings. Beautiful friendships.

It’s been eventful to say the least.

I would love to say that I’ve been faithful through it all, clinging to what I know and not letting go of my “faith rope.” But I’ve fallen. I’ve been beat down to tears. I’ve set my eyes on the problems so many times, losing sight of God’s hand in everything, mainly in the past few weeks.  I tried to stand, but in the end I just got tired. I let my circumstances overwhelm me, only periodically shaking out of my fog to see the truth in the Word, and felt too ashamed to ask God for help. My Bible reading and praise and worship kept me going, but my eyes were still on the problem somehow. In human terms, I failed the test.

I have never been so glad to serve a loving, redeeming, and restoring God who is strong in my weakness!

Tonight, I hit a low and couldn’t take it anymore. I just sat down and cried my eyes out. I cried out all the frustration, impatience, and discouragement that I could, both with the situation and with myself for not handling it as I should. Once the tears were gone, clarity started to sink in. Once I started writing, He started to speak.

This whole time, I’ve been seeking God like never before. Studying scripture intently, listening to sermons and podcasts, singing praise and worship songs all day (and I mean all day – car, shower, kitchen, etc). Yet the heaviness didn’t lift. I still couldn’t see or hear, or even truly grasp what I was studying. This only made me more discouraged, as I’ve always found amazing comfort and peace in the Word. Funny enough, when I sat down to write this, my head cleared. The one thing I’ve avoided this whole time – writing in this blog – was the one thing to clear my head and heart.

I’m still in the midst of this season. To be honest, I’m at what most would consider the “rock bottom” of the situation. That spot where I’ve done all I possibly do with my own hands, all obvious resources have been used up, and I’m fresh out of ideas. The planner in me hates this part. The faith-filled Christian loves this part. The stage is set for God to sweep in and do something amazing.

The truth is, I have no idea how or when God will intervene. I love dramatic rescues in stories, so I’m definitely a fan of that route, but it’s not up to me. All I know is that He will. He always does, and He always will. When I think about the last 24 years, I can’t think of a single instance when God hasn’t been more than faithful to me. He has never failed. His Word is true!

I’m clearly writing this out to encourage myself as much as it is to share what’s been going on behind the soapbox of my life. I’ve made a commitment to full transparency with this blog so I think it’s important to be honest about my struggles as they happen, not just when everything smooths out. Of course the result of that is an unplanned, unedited, and truly raw blog post.

But that’s just what God is beginning to reveal to me: there is always beauty to be found in brokenness. 

I strongly believe God is going to turn this season of trials into something beautiful that will minister to someone at some point. He always has before, so why would this one be different?

I posted the scripture I’ve been standing on at the top of this post and now I shall leave you with the song he has put on my heart as I’ve been writing. Always a favorite, but never more true than right now. God is definitely my victory and I have a reason to worship!

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Oct 05 2011
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Christian Ministry, Christianity, God, Humanitarian, Jesus Christ, Job Search, Lifechurch.tv, Purpose, Uncategorized

One Step at a Time


For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

You know that feeling? That anxious, exhilarating, terrifying, exciting, butterflies-in-the-stomach anticipation that comes right before God puts something huge and amazing right in front of you? Yep, totally feeling it.

It’s been building up for a week or so now – this steady increase of anticipation and desire for something…new? Something more meaningful? And not something random. Preferably the next step.

The “next step” was graduate school for the next two years, or so I thought. Extenuating circumstances shut the door – hard – on my graduate school career. The decision to withdraw was incredibly tough, but was immediately followed with complete peace.  It was the right decision. God even pre-confirmed it by sending me provision in the form of an anonymous “angel” to cover my bills for a while. The catalyst for me withdrawing was unexpected and rather violent backlash to an opinion article I wrote for the school newspaper. The response was huge. I received criticism and hate mail by the droves, and was even tweeted by a well-known celebrity in response to what I wrote. Simply put, it was a mess. My pastor encouraged me through a great series at church with the story of Nehemiah and the opposition he faced. I was being hit not because I did something wrong, but because I did something right. I left with my head held high but admittedly discouraged that my plans were not clear.

I’ve found that in moments like this one, God often puts something in front of me that reminds me of the heart he gave me – a subtle reminder of why he created me in the first place.

This time, the reminder came while watching the movie “The Help.” The flick is packed with moral lessons and simply beautiful humanity, but the message that stuck with me most was that conveyed by the story’s lead. A strong-willed, opinionated young writer, intent on telling the stories that needed to be told, despite the risk the action carried. As I watched the story progress, God tugged on my heart, reminding me of all the stories he had given me to tell over the years, most of which are still dancing around in my brain unwritten. Those stories had just as much power to produce change as the one I was watching unfold on the screen. And God had given them to me to ignite that change, to set sparks to some fires that need to burn, regardless of the criticism I might face. As many times as I’ve tried to run from it, this was what I was made for.

As I’ve searched for jobs, the feelings that movie brought up keep coming to mind. I so badly want to step into my calling in some way, instead of just finding something to pay the bills. I don’t just want to live out my faith at my job, I want my ministry to be my vocation.  I want to write. I want to speak. I want to be in ministry. I want to do a job everyday that contributes to the kingdom. That’s my heart and that’s why God made me.

This morning, I woke up with a strong pressure on my heart. Not a negative pressure, but a “pay attention because things are about to change” kind of pressure. The kind of feeling that gets you on your knees pretty quick. So that’s where I’ve been most of the day – alternately praying and listening to praise-and-worship. God put several songs on my heart right off the bat, namely “Courageous” by Casting Crowns and “I Refuse” by Josh Wilson. Both songs a call to action instead of complacency.

Standing on my porch, I heard “will you do whatever I ask?” bubble up from my spirit. I’ll admit it took me a moment to say “yes Lord,” as I would have loved an explanation of “whatever.” But nothing came. God wanted my commitment before he showed me the task. Since then, the pressure on my heart has only increased and I feel a stronger push to pray, study the Word, and to write – to be spiritually equipped. But above all else, I sense him telling me to wait on him, that he is about to do something new and it will be more than I could have imagined.

But until then – one day, one blog post, one step at a time.

http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/change-your-world/3

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Sep 16 2011
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Bring It On


Since I had so much positive feedback to my last completely raw post, I thought I’d write the follow-up.

Honestly, within hours of writing my last post, round two started. Satan is so predictable. Mind you, when I wrote my last piece, I had about 3 different trials going on, all completely unrelated. This week, Satan went for the kill and hit me with more. Talk about walking my talk. One dumb fender bender, one terrifying car wreck, some truly discouraging days at school and work, some ghosts from the past trying to come back and haunt me, some fond memories from the past bringing up bittersweet nostalgia, an injured right arm (get thee behind me satan, I’m a writer!), a comedically flawed apartment move (two sore woman moving to a second floor apartment-comedic), a brief run-in with pride,  and an allergic reaction to coconut….

I’ve got to give him points for originality.

This time, I kept most of my stressors a little closer to the belt and took them straight to God and a few select people. As always, God wasn’t surprised and provided the comfort only he can. Thanks to all the studying I’ve been doing, I have at least been well aware of everything going on around me and took the offensive with some scripture and some good, old fashioned stubborness (after a nice meltdown and a few too many bags of peanut butter m&m’s). Peace came eventually…early this morning actually, but few answers. So as all overthinkers do, I spent much of today analyzing the week from my position of peace and learned some unique things. Maybe one will resonate with you.

  • Friends don’t let friends eat coconut brownies…specifically this friend.
  • “The works God desires to accomplish within us may take precedence over those He desires to work around us.” – Beth Moore
  • If you can’t seem to fit in somewhere you know God put you, it’s because you were put there to stand out! Don’t fight it. Let God use it.
  • Godly character isn’t easy. Obedience isn’t easy. Doing the right thing rarely is. Do it anyway.
  • God turns everything Satan meant for evil for your good, IF you let him.
  • Take the time to get to know the people in your life. You may never know why God put them there unless you do.
  • I pray all the time. For most of you. Because I want God’s absolute best in your life. Deal with it and stop complaining.
  • Joy is not the absence of suffering and disappointment, it’s the cheerful, stubborn trust in my promises. – God to me on a drive to Stillwater.
  • Women (I) have awful depth perception when driving…don’t park behind me. Please. I’ve warned you.
  • God is who He says He is, He can do what He says He can do, I am who He says I am, I can do what He says I can do, the Word works.
  • Falling in love with Christ is amazing. Seriously.
  •  Giving God complete control of your life is the most freeing experience imaginable.
  • “It’s your life, whatcha gonna do. The world is watching you. Everyday, the choices you make, say what you are and who your heart beats for, it’s an open door. It’s your life.” – Francesca Battistelli
  •  Things have to die before they can be resurrected and made new. Stop digging it up. Let God bring it to life his way.
  •  Treasure the people who love you and treat you right. Graciously let go of the ones that don’t. Pray for them no matter what!
  • I don’t do politically correct. Neither did Jesus. Take it up with him.
  •  Figure out what makes you come alive, what stirs your soul…and do it. Often. You were created to.
  • Live your life to please God, not the world. If you put God first, he will bless you with supernatural favor. The other route will only lead to pain and disappointment.

An odd group of lessons for sure, but those are some of the things I’ve learned. I must say, this was not nearly as profound a set of revelations as the two previous weeks brought to mind. But I’m gradually learning that life is full of lessons like these. Little nuggets of wisdom and joy that God scatters throughout each and every day. Little markers to keep us on the narrow path to Him (and out of car wrecks and the hospital).

Do I think the attacks are over? Of course not. The closer I draw to the heart of God, the bigger a threat I am to the enemy. If you know me at all, you know I have a big mouth and I know how to use it. And the more I fall in love with the Lord, the more courageous I feel about the call God put on my life. I’m definitely a threat ;) . So as I walk out this crazy, beautiful ministry called life, all I can say is bring it on.

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